I previously mentioned an “event” that happened. While you don’t need to know all the details, and I don’t feel under any obligation to publically share why this happened – in fact, I feel the opposite – you should know this:
My boyfriend and I broke up. I’m finding it hard but it’s okay because I know I’ll be alright, and it’ll be alright. As I also said previously “what is meant to be, will be” so I’m not worrying about my future right now.
Or at least, I’m not trying to.
Maybe with time (a lot of it), it’ll be okay to disclose details, but for now, this is something I’m trying to keep private.
Enough of that though eh?
As I’ve said sooo many times before, I gave up makeup for lent and a LOT of things happened!
For starters (I’ve already said this) I didn’t get cat called which was nice if I’m honest. Nothing like creepy old men honking at you while you’re walking to school. Secondly, my skin really improved! I’m so pleased with how much better it has become. And my final thing is how much my confidence has boosted! I can honestly say that I enjoy not wearing makeup and am happy with how I look. Whilst I still prefer to leave the house with some makeup on, that isn’t to hide how I look, or because I’m unhappy with my skin, but because I choose to wear it and enjoy spending time in the morning on myself. I’m happy.
Whilst this is all good, my (now ex-)boyfriend and I did break up and whilst I can’t put that down to not wearing makeup, it did leave me feeling low and blaming the fact that I didn’t “look pretty” but I promptly reminded myself that I am beautiful and that my identity is within myself and God, not in someone or something else. I am happy with myself. I love myself. That is a good thing and I am proud to say that.
Also, so many cool things have happened that I want to catch y’all up on!
My AS exams are in full swing and just under 3 weeks ago my mum told me that she was worried that I wasn’t doing enough revision. I’d also just recently said that I wanted to get some more piercings in my ear, so we agreed that if a did at least 1 hour on a set amount of days, and signed it off every day, that I could get my helix pierced. Well, guess who’s plan totally backfired…
I got it done and I love it!!!!
Reflecting on this, in late Septemeber/early October, I was going through an identity crisis and decided to change something about me, as though to represent a new chapter of my life. On that occasion, I cut off a LOAD of my hair. This time, I’ve gone and stuck a sparkly hole in my ear, and I’m happy with it.
When I got my lobes pierced at 11 (ish), I didn’t have any problems with infection or anything, so hopefully, I have a similar experience this time too.
I’ve been challenging myself to do more things for myself recently, and I’ve had a couple of self-revelations which has been pretty cool. Getting my ear pierced was part of one of them, although half the battle with that was convincing my mum to let me, which worked!!
Back to no makeup! As I’ve mentioned previously, I’ve had people become more honest with their opinions on makeup, mostly males. One of my closest guy friends told me he preferred how I looked without it. I love that it was meant positively and to build me up for my “natural” and “inward” beauty, particularly because it means people around me don’t view my “beauty” as skin deep. But also, I think it’s important to feel confident in how you look and the person you are. On this topic I have two main things I want to say:
Firstly, the thought that you’re only given this body. You cannot change who you are or swap the body you have. It must be a sad thing to be unhappy with who you are, and I remember hearing a story be repeated to me one time about a girl (that the storyteller knew) who had once stood in front of her mirror and write in sharpie pen, everything she hated about herself. This is something that at the time I really identified with, I’d never gone as far as to write down the things I hated about myself, but I would often stand in front of the mirror and look at all the things I hated about myself. I’ll be vulnerable with you here, more recently, a few months ago, I was at a low-low and one night I made a note on my phone and listed all the negative things I felt about myself. I’ve just double checked and I’ve deleted the note, but it had a fair few reasons as to why I hated who I was. It was from things about my personality, through to things about my appearance. I left myself feeling beaten down and useless. It was a low-low.
As I said, this was only a few months ago, now I can tell you, that while I still do beat myself down, I am happy with myself again. I look in the mirror and I am proud of myself. It’s a great feeling to look in the mirror and see scars on your face and instead of thinking “I had my acne scars” to think “my acne is gone! I am blessed”. Instead of thinking “I don’t like my thighs” it’s about changing the attitude to “I am fearfully and wonderfully made”. What’s the point in not being happy with yourself and who you are? You can’t change the skin you’re in. Sure, you can diet, or exercise, or you can wear enough makeup to hide every single one of your insecurities or have surgery. But that won’t make you happy. You don’t get to decide which body you’re in, so it’s important to embrace and accept yourself and your body.
This leads me nicely onto my second point. How do you find happiness?
Believe me, it’s not in finding a partner, or in how many friends you have, or in how many people are “interested” in you, or in alcohol, or sex, or in money, or in how popular you are, or how many parties you get invited to, or anything like that; no matter what the media or society will tell you. You won’t be happy about the person you are with these things. I still learn to love myself a little more every day and learn to accept the person I am becoming every day. But let me tell you this, I have been most happy with myself in my teen years, on three main occasions. The major one I can remember was when I was 14 and early 15. I was looking into getting baptised and I was happy with how I looked and who I was. The second was when I was late 15, I was trying to fall deeper into a relationship with God. The third is most recently, in the last couple of months when I’ve started trying to pour myself into God. Notice the common theme here?
The only thing I truly think that can bring you happiness is God. It’s knowing that He loves you through all of your faults and flaws, knowing that He wants your damage and your mess and your past and your “ugliness” and He loves you and He wants to know you and to help you fix the broken. I love that, and I love that God has a plan for me and that no matter if I’m having a bad hair or a bad skin day, or if I’ve put on a couple of lbs or if I’m wearing makeup or not, He loves me.
I have been happiest with myself and with who I am and the things I am doing when I have known this amazing truth. I love who I am, and I love all God is doing for me.I’ve had other things going on recently, one of the major ones being AS-Levels.
I’ve had other things going on recently, one of the major ones being AS-Levels. It’s amazing to know that through all of this, I have God on my side and whatever happens, that won’t change. I’ve seen this in other’s testimonies and it’s a major part of mine as well. I’ve just got to keep depending on God when things aren’t going my way and continue to depend on God when things are.
Genuinely, this wasn’t where I was intending on taking my post, but here we are. I just don’t think I can talk about my self-worth and identity without bringing Him into it.
I hope you’ve made it this far and it’s actually been interesting and not just sounding like messy ramblings!
I have scary and exciting things coming up in the next little while and I am excited to record it on here and continue to update this little blog. The best part about it is that I force myself to be positive as I write and to also be as vulnerable and honest about things, without going into masses of personal details.