Hey all!

I am such a huge worrier and I will panic over the smallest thing. Currently, the biggest two concerns I have are my A-level maths grades and getting into a university.

I complain all the time and I’d like to think I show my sense of humour through that. So for me to say “I hate maths” or “ugh I am so going to fail” is not unusual and I’m sure my friends and family are VERY sick of me saying that. But I am seriously concerned about how badly I am doing. Mostly because I have always been very proud of how I do at school. Don’t get me wrong here, I actually really enjoy learning and I’m a relatively hard worker, but I honestly cannot get my head around maths! And it isn’t that I’m not trying (but it’s cool because my teachers just keep telling me to work harder lol okay thanks for the advice) I’m currently seeing a tutor every Monday and although that is helping to a degree, it certainly isn’t taking me to where I actually need/want to be. Although I am massively thankful for all the help she’s been giving me.

Even still, I am so so so worried about how I am coping with it and although I am so close to the end of the year and taking the AS, I am DYING to drop out of the final exams after our mocks (NEXT WEEK!!!!!!)

Secondly, I’m already worried about going to university. I want to study psychology because I love the subject. (I am such a nerd when I really enjoy a subject, last year I would want to talk about history with every/anybody I could find!) I won’t lie I am so buzzed to go, but I’m realising that my unwillingness to settle for anything second-best is killing me. The grades to get into the kind of universities that I’m looking at are quite high and I can’t help but feel as though I really cannot achieve them!

(Hopefully, in 18 months I can have proved myself completely wrong!)

I really want to try to go near Birmingham, and anybody who knows me will know why this is and will probably criticise this choice, but hey, I’m not losing anything my studying there!  but the grades for psychology are AAA. I’ve really got to study hard to get that. That terrifies me. I’ve honestly looked into every university that I could think of or even considered, which then turned into an excel document of 43 universities and all the information I could find about them, in the hopes that it would magically tell me where to go. It didn’t.

But I’m realising that I really don’t need to worry. I can drop maths. I could get a U and it would not define me. Maths is hard, especially at A-Level or above, and after seeing the new GCSE spec. for maths, I am so sympathetic towards anybody sitting that. All I can think is “rather you than me”. At least I tried, at the sixth form I attend, we’re all expected to try 4 ASs and then continue with 3 A2s and take up something else that should (in theory) take up less time. My poor maths grade won’t mean anything very soon. I might just feel a little embarrassed and disappointed for a while. I know that I am intelligent, and although reminders from my friends and family are incredibly welcome, I don’t need to have outstanding A2 results to be certain that my life will be okay. I have a supportive family that I am so privileged to have.

I’m not sure if you’re reading this and you’re virtually certain that you’re going to come out of whatever is stressing you with something positive. Or if you’re like me and you know that it’ll be okay, you just want something that you don’t think will go well, to go well. Or if actually, you are extremely stressed out about because you don’t think any of it will go well.

In any of these groups just know that you will be okay and that some things are supposed to be challenging and difficult to test you. If everything were easy, then there would be nothing to set us apart. Equally, everybody has different talents. You might not be able to integrate (in which case, me neither) but you might have really good social skills, or you’re a good listener or you are good at making people laugh.

Also, I’ve made some big mistakes that really loom over me or I still feel guilty about, but I know that these things won’t determine the rest of my life. I am going to be okay despite those.

So I’m no longer going to spend my time fretting about if I’ll be okay at age 25!

You will be okay too and you will have a good life if you work hard at it and make good choices. Even if you’ve made bad choices, keep going and making good ones from here. Ultimately, you get out what you put in, in relationships, friendships, and in life.

To finish I have a bible verse that is very relevant for this:

Matthew 6:34 (NIV)

Therefore, do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

That’s all for now, talk soon,

Caitlin xx


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